Some Useful Condescending Phrases
Posted on Tuesday, January 15, 2008 ¶ Permalink URL for Trackbacks 0 comments links to this post
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
For More Fools visit my previous posts and archive links on the right hand side of this page.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Labels: rude
Posted on Tuesday, January 15, 2008 ¶ Permalink URL for Trackbacks 0 comments links to this post
How to piss people off
For More Fools visit my previous posts and archive links on the right hand side of this page.
Posted on ¶ Permalink URL for Trackbacks 0 comments links to this post
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Staple pages in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times."DO YOU HEAR THAT?""What?""Never mind, it's gone now."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Labels: annoying
Posted on ¶ Permalink URL for Trackbacks 0 comments links to this post
Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel
Posted on ¶ Permalink URL for Trackbacks 0 comments links to this post
The following are actual stories provided by US travel agents:
I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
For More Fools visit my previous posts and archive links on the right hand side of this page.
I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
Labels: travel agent, US
Posted on ¶ Permalink URL for Trackbacks 0 comments links to this post
Stupid things said in court
Posted on ¶ Permalink URL for Trackbacks 0 comments links to this post
Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?" Witness: "I only have one, you know."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?" Witness: "By death." Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?" The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?" Witness: "July 15th." Lawyer: "What year?" Witness: "Every year."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?" Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet." Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?" Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it." Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?" Witness: "'Winchester'!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?" Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?" Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask." Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?" Witness: "Er...his face."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?" Witness: "I forget." Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?" Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which." Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?" Witness: "Forty-five years."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?" Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'" Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?" Witness: "My name is Susan."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?" Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?" Witness: "After the accident?" Lawyer: "Before the accident." Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?" Witness: "Yes, sir." Lawyer: "What did she say?" Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?" Officer: "Yes, I do." Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?" Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What happened then?" Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'" Lawyer: "Did he kill you?" Witness: "No."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--" Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" Witness: "I went to Europe, sir." Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture." Witness: "That's me." Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?" Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8." Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?" Witness: "Four times."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "She had three children, right?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "How many were boys?" Witness: "None." Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?" Witness: "Not yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?" Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm." Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?" Witness: "Borofkin." Lawyer: "What's his first name?" Witness: "I can't remember." Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?" Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?" Witness: "I refuse to answer that question. Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?" Witness: "I refuse to answer that question. Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?" Witness: "No."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?" Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your marital status?" Witness: "Fair."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Are you married?" Witness: "No, I'm divorced." Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?" Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?" Witness: "My ex-widow said it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?" Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?" Witness: "Yes sir." Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?" Witness: "Picking them up in the air." Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?" Witness: "Attached to the ears."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?" Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?" Witness: "Oral." Lawyer: "How old are you?" Witness: "Oral."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?" Witness: "She is my daughter." Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And what did he do then?" Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead." Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?" Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?" Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital." Lawyer: "It was covered?" Witness: "Yes, bandaged." Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?" Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?" Witness: "I could see his head." Lawyer: "And where was his head?" Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?" Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?" Witness: "The victim lived."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas." Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?" Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."
For More Fools visit my previous posts and archive links on the right hand side of this page.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?" Witness: "By death." Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?" The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?" Witness: "July 15th." Lawyer: "What year?" Witness: "Every year."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?" Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet." Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?" Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it." Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?" Witness: "'Winchester'!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?" Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?" Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask." Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?" Witness: "Er...his face."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?" Witness: "I forget." Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?" Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which." Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?" Witness: "Forty-five years."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?" Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'" Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?" Witness: "My name is Susan."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?" Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?" Witness: "After the accident?" Lawyer: "Before the accident." Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?" Witness: "Yes, sir." Lawyer: "What did she say?" Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?" Officer: "Yes, I do." Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?" Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What happened then?" Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'" Lawyer: "Did he kill you?" Witness: "No."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--" Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" Witness: "I went to Europe, sir." Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture." Witness: "That's me." Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?" Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8." Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?" Witness: "Four times."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "She had three children, right?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "How many were boys?" Witness: "None." Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?" Witness: "Not yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?" Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm." Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?" Witness: "Borofkin." Lawyer: "What's his first name?" Witness: "I can't remember." Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?" Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?" Witness: "I refuse to answer that question. Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?" Witness: "I refuse to answer that question. Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?" Witness: "No."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?" Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your marital status?" Witness: "Fair."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Are you married?" Witness: "No, I'm divorced." Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?" Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?" Witness: "My ex-widow said it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?" Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?" Witness: "Yes sir." Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?" Witness: "Picking them up in the air." Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?" Witness: "Attached to the ears."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?" Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?" Witness: "Oral." Lawyer: "How old are you?" Witness: "Oral."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?" Witness: "She is my daughter." Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And what did he do then?" Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead." Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?" Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?" Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital." Lawyer: "It was covered?" Witness: "Yes, bandaged." Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?" Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?" Witness: "I could see his head." Lawyer: "And where was his head?" Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?" Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?" Witness: "The victim lived."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas." Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?" Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."
Posted on ¶ Permalink URL for Trackbacks 0 comments links to this post
Best Rejection Letter
Dear Professor Millington,
Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
George Daniels
For More Fools visit my previous posts and archive links on the right hand side of this page.
Posted on ¶ Permalink URL for Trackbacks 0 comments links to this post
Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109
Dear Professor Millington,
Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
George Daniels
Posted on ¶ Permalink URL for Trackbacks 0 comments links to this post
Google Video of the Day
Courtesy of Video.KiTT.NeT
» Lego Gun
07/07/08 11:04 from The Unofficial Google Video Blog
Just fantastic, what can I say.
